Tuesday, August 18
This blog no longer means a lot to me as a means of communication with the word, there is Facebook and Twitter for those purposes. However, I felt a weird draw for me to pen these words down at this exact moment where I should be slaving over my Honours Thesis proposal.
There are so many things that I am stressing over, things that are far, wide and varied to say the least. There are some choices that are causing just the inkling of regret building up deep inside me, yet there are other choices, bold steps if I may, that I have absolutely no regrets over.
The decision to attempt an Honours Thesis even though I am borderline below the threshold required is a decision I am standing firmly behind. As a wised, old friend remarked to me one fine day, "doing an honours in university without attempting the honours thesis is akin to doing a four year BA course. There will be no sense of satisfaction at the end of the road and you would not have learnt anything about your limits and capabilities."
This decision will no doubt cause me and the people around me much pain. However, I will not know what I am capable of if I do not even try. As that old cliché goes, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." I am already facing a dilemma with my first (or should it be second) step. The decision and conundrum over who I choose to be my thesis supervisor is causing me a great deal of headaches. I should have a clearer picture by tomorrow, I hope.
Jumping ship is another decision that is causing me problems. It seems like I have merely jumped from the Titanic to another wreck that is slowly but surely on its way down to Davy Jones' locker. Leaving a ship where I at least had an area of control onto another ship where I am in control only by name, and not by actions. The worst thing is that this ship's new captain is as experienced as a trainee officer who has only assumed control of a ship's department twice before and has never even been on the bridge. An inexperienced captain who is willing to listen and learn is one I will never mind working under. But an inexperienced captain who insists on counter-minding the work and advise of his officers is doomed to failure. Do I really want to remain on this sinking ship for the convenient quarters that it affords? Can I really write another chapter for this ship and turn it onto its correct course? So many questions that I do not have the answer to, such is the mysterious way life works.
I am cursed by the weakness by my own intrinsic existence. My judgment is easily clouded and I dislike that fact. I do not yet know how much damage my misjudgment will cost me in the not too distant future, but I am certain now that the cloud has past that there will be some damage, be it collateral or not. It was not easy to rid the situation that I had initially found myself in, but to allow myself to become dragged back into similar circumstances simply shows the character weaknesses that I have and am unable to shake off. The latest blow has the potential to derail my entire carefully laid out plans. The inability to be part of an elite circle hurts, and due to the allegiances that I had gotten myself into, I now become the small fish in the ocean, and I hope history does not repeat itself and bite me in the ass. Faith in the human spirit only goes so far, and I shudder to imagine the repercussions if I were to be proven correct.
Lastly, before whoever it is that still bothers to have read so far dies from the convulsions resulting from reading windy, nonsensical, obscure nonsense that I have been dishing out, I shall end with a little nonsense - Everybody on this planet will have skeletons, they could be out there in plain sight, or buried deep within. Either way, sometimes one has to know when and which skeleton should be revealed in order to achieve a greater purpose. The nature of humanity dictates that one either remains oblivious to the existence of skeletons to be happy or to exploit these skeletons in order to succeed. As my valuation lecture went, "in a perfect world, everybody will arrive at a consensus as to the value of any object. However, we live in an imperfect world where sellers try to sell at a price higher than its value and buyers try to buy at a price lower that its value." Deep implications but makes perfect sense with some thinking. Which would you rather be?
